By: T. J. Gentry | March 26, 2023
When I was a kid, I was not a good loser. Even now, I wouldn’t say I like to lose (not many do!), but I was a terrible loser as a kid. I recall a touch football game with my friends and a few classmates one Sunday afternoon. I wanted to be closer to my friends, and I hoped to get to know those classmates who joined the game. We played together nicely for the first hour. Everyone was laughing and having a good time. It was nice. Until it wasn’t.
Late in the game, my team was losing by two points. But it was a game between friends, a nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon laughing and carrying on with each other. Still, my mind switched to win-or-lose mode, and I ruined the afternoon. There was a definite moment when this happened: I shifted from having fun and making friends to an “I must win at all costs” mentality. I had the ball, ran toward the goal with all my might, and in doing so, knocked down two of my friends and ran full speed to the end zone. Touchdown! I was ecstatic! We were ahead, and now we could claim the win.
As I trotted back toward my friends and classmates, there was an awkward silence and a confused look on their faces. Finally, one asked, “What’s the deal? We’re just having fun, and you turned all serious and started knocking us down.” More silence, then one of the classmates said, “Well, I need to go.” Everyone left the field except me, and I stood there embarrassed and ashamed. I knew then that because I couldn’t get past the need to win, it cost me an opportunity to strengthen existing friendships and make new ones. I won the game, but I lost the day.
What’s Our Goal?
I’ve had the same experience when sharing my faith in Christ. The conversation goes back and forth, question and answer, point and counterpoint. Then, I see an opening in the other person’s argument, and I go for the win. I go for winning the argument but often end the conversation and any future dialogue. I’m right, and they’re wrong. Silence.
Let me tell you, that’s not a good place to be in a conversation that should be intended to build a relationship and share the love of God in a gracious and winsome manner. A conversation that approaches dialogues with seekers and skeptics as a process, one that takes the “I’ll play the long game” approach.
Let’s admit it; if we’re not careful, we can lose sight of the person we are trying to reach and focus solely on the argument we think we must win. Sure, we may be right, but we will be alone. After a while, people start to avoid us because we must always make our point, be right, or win an argument.
The Bible doesn’t call us to win arguments. God’s word calls us to win people. Arguments may be part of the process, but we will confuse the two if we’re not careful. Instead of seeing a soul, we only see a syllogism. Failing to see a person, we present a proposition. Not hearing a questioner, we only answer a question.
Focus on the Person
This is why Peter’s words are so important on this topic. Remember how he instructs believers in 1 Peter 3:15 to “always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you.” Did you catch that? Peter doesn’t call us to win arguments, does he? Nope. He doesn’t call us to prove others wrong, either. No way. What he calls us to do—what God calls us to do—is make a defense and give a reason to a person. A person.
True, it may be that the defense and the reason clear up confusion or answer an error, but if we approach those things as an end in themselves, we fail. We run the ball, knocking others out of the way, and score the touchdown but lose the opportunity to stay on the field because everyone leaves us. Our lust for the win can leave us without an opportunity to share the love of the only wise God.
As C. S. Lewis states with penetrating insight, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.” We converse with those for whom Christ died. We offer a defense and give a reason to people that matter to God, and they must matter to us more than a moment of argumentative brilliance and a clever turn of phrase.
Why are you arguing for the faith, Christian? If it’s to win an argument, it’s for the wrong reason. Take your time. Invest in the relationship. Play the long game. Learn why you should argue, and never forget to reach the person. The argument is for the sake of the person.
About the Author
Dr. Thomas J. Gentry (aka., TJ Gentry) serves as the pastor of First Christian Church of West Frankfort, Illinois, the Assistant Vice President of Publishing and Communications, and the Assistant Editor of Bellator Christi Ministries. He formerly served as the Executive Editor of MoralApologetics.com. Dr. Gentry is a world-class scholar holding 5 doctorate degrees and 6 masters degrees. Additionally, he is a prolific writer as he has published 7 books including Pulpit Apologist, Absent from the Body, Present with the Lord, and You Shall Be My Witnesses: Reflections on Sharing the Gospel. Be on the lookout for two additional books that he will soon publish. In addition to his impressive resume, Dr. Gentry proudly served his country as an officer in the United States Army and serves as a martial arts instructor.
Copyright 2023. Bellator Christi.
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